Red Flags

My early lifetime consisted of a series of rocky relationships. I credit the fact that I didn’t trust and act on my true feelings and needs. I went along with what other people wanted and considered to be the “right” thing for me to do. I had red flags in each situation that I needed to pay attention to.

In my 20’s and 30’s, I ended three relationships. Two were marriages and the third was a long-term relationship. In each case, I reached a point where I was dissatisfied with our life together. I gave myself permission each time to end the relationship. While it may sound selfish, I believe that it was in each of our best interests to go our separate ways. Somehow I found the strength to end things. 

The challenges I faced were many. I was married at 18 and I know in hindsight that I didn’t ask any of the right questions to help understand if this was the right decision to make. My husband hated his job but couldn’t figure out a better way to make a living. He also loved to spend what little money we had on toys we didn’t need. I decided that I would be better off being single than continuing to hit brick walls in this relationship. I gave myself permission to end it.

I rebounded into a second marriage.  My biggest challenge in this relationship was the philandering that my husband proceeded to enjoy even though we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. I knew that I could not continue under these terms and again gave myself permission to move on. 

The next several years I spent in a relationship that was fun. My partner had a great sense of humor and enjoyed doing interesting things. We had good times and even purchased a condo together. Once again I quieted my mind and moved forward despite the red flags that were so apparent. We were together longer than either of my previous relationships. By this time, I knew I was looking for commitment, monogamy, and trust. We talked about making this relationship official many times. In the end, he told me to start planning a wedding. That turned out to be a mistake. For the next many weeks, he did not come home. My suspicions were verified and once again, I gave myself permission to leave the relationship. 

When I was 37, I reconnected with my third husband. We were married and I never looked back. He and I had the same values. We both enjoyed intimacy, closeness, and monogamy. I knew then that our commitment was for life. We enjoyed thirty-seven years together. While we had issues that we dealt with, they never caused us to waiver from the love and trust that we shared. 

Giving myself permission to follow my instincts and to listen to my heart has been responsible for living a life that I enjoy. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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