To Sleep or Not to Sleep

As of this writing, there is only one thing that gets me up in the morning and that is my alarm clock. 

What keeps me up at night is my greatest challenge right now. My bed is comfortable, my room is cool and inviting, and I love having my dog on the bed with me. So what’s the problem you might ask? 

I will decide that I want to be in bed by 10:30 at night. At 2:00 am I am still up wandering the house doing a bit of this and a bit of that. Anything to keep me from going to bed. This has been happening steadily since my husband passed away a year ago. 

I think part of it is that my husband was a varsity snuggler and I enjoyed feeling the warmth of his being close. He would climb into bed and the first thing he would say would be “This is the best part of my day”. I found those words comforting and restorative. They ended the day with the confirmation of the closeness that we shared. 

Now, I need to get a good night’s sleep. I have gone back to work and I would like to wake up feeling alive and refreshed. Instead, I wake up groggy and tired because I’ve gone to bed so late the night before. This makes no sense to me because I truly have things each day that I enjoy. Even my dog, who used to go to bed when I did, now goes upstairs and falls into a deep sleep while I am spending my time watching some repeat on TV or surfing the web, or visiting Facebook. I hear the clock chiming the hours and the half hours and still, I don’t go to bed. If I were accomplishing some great projects like working on fascinating writing or reading a great book that would help me restore my self-confidence and excitement about life, it wouldn’t be so bad. Instead, it is just a bunch of nothing that I occupy myself with instead of refreshing myself with a great night’s sleep.

How do I cure myself of these nasty habits? I know my husband would have been there getting me to get some sleep. I feel like I am self-sabotaging myself and I can’t really figure out why. I need to get a grip on this nasty habit and make changes, NOW! Maybe I need a reward for every night that I go to bed by 10:30. Hmmm…what would be worthy of this behavior change? If I knew the answer to this question, life would be wonderful. Wouldn’t it?

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