My Five Fears
As a child, I experienced the typical fears: fear of the dark, fear of talking to people, and fear induced by watching scary movies. These fears would often provoke anxiety and lead me to do irrational things, such as running through dark areas of the house to stay in well-lit areas or hiding under Grandma Is’s skirt if someone tried to talk to me. While my current fears don’t paralyze me or cause anxiety, they are thoughts that trouble me.
My adult fears are quite different:
Being negatively scrutinized by others
As I’ve mentioned before, my love language is Words of Affirmation, which means that receiving positive words from others is very important to me. When I don’t receive those positive words, I fear that I’m not loved and appreciated.
Being left out
Throughout my life, I’ve grappled with this fear. Hearing about friends doing activities together without me fills me with the fear that they don’t want me around. In my mind, I start to think that perhaps they don’t like me as much as I thought, which is why I wasn’t invited.
Not being good enough
This is another fear that has plagued me throughout my life. It’s closely related to the fear of being left out. Similarly, I fear that I’m not good enough. Was I the best mother I could have been? Was I the best employee I could have been? Am I currently giving my best effort in all areas of my life? Am I living up to my potential?
Will I find what makes my heart sing
Don’t get me wrong. I love my job and working with computers (most of the time), but is there something out there that would truly make my heart sing? Lisa and I recently discussed what activities bring joy to our lives, and I couldn’t think of one thing. I enjoy crafting, but lose interest quickly. I enjoy working with computers, but it doesn’t bring me joy. What would truly bring me joy? I’m still searching for the answer to that question.
Will I have enough money to support myself and eventually retire
I would love to retire at a decent age (tomorrow, if I could swing it), but I fear that I’m going to have to work until my dying day. There are trips I want to take and projects I want to complete, but without a surplus of money, it’s just not possible.
With each passing year, I become better at handling most of these fears. At this point, if people don’t like me, then I don’t need to waste my time or thoughts on them, but the others are still a work in progress. Perhaps in the next year, I’ll be able to work on overcoming more of these fears.
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