I turned 30 in 1994. Tom and I had moved to Sun Prairie to be closer to my family when we began having children of our own. Unfortunately, starting a family turned out to NOT be so straightforward. And that is the theme of my 30s…infertility.
“You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.” -Anonymous
We began trying to start our family when I was 27. We got divorced, childless, when I was 33. Then I married Craig when I was 35. More infertility work followed. We got Luka and Kadon from Russia in 2006, when I was 41.
It seemed like the goal to start/have a family colored every event of that decade. To say that my clock was ticking VERY LOUDLY is not overstating the facts.
Tom and I
Unfortunately, as many couples discover during infertility work, the struggle toward that goal is very difficult for the couple involved. I felt betrayed by my body and angry that Tom was changing his mind about the commitment we had made regarding children before our marriage.
As I continued to evaluate and move toward the goal of getting pregnant, Tom was also evaluating and deciding that not only did he no longer want children, but he also didn’t want the commitment and responsibility of home ownership, a wife…even a dog.
Mom remembers a conversation when he stated his feelings about dog ownership. She saw me absolutely check out and turn off in the relationship with that confession.
It seems that everything I’ve really wanted in life has been a process, a journey, a commitment…even a mountain.
Craig and I
My thirties were a journey of job changes, infertility, divorce, marriage, more infertility work, building a house, a military deployment (Craig), and then adoption struggles.
At the end of my 30’s, I drove to work after conferencing with “doctor” about my latest failed IVF treatment. He had suggested donor eggs and other options.
As I drove the interstate to my school, I replayed his words and the potential next steps. I sat with the words. I breathed. It was a sense of settling in and being at peace with the journey and what was to happen next.
By the time I arrived in the parking lot and got out of the car to enter the ELC, I knew I was done with this path and ready to pursue adoption instead. I knew that Craig would be onboard with the choice–he had told me he was good with the idea of adoption on the first “date” when we met.
That journey of adopting our two boys (and later a daughter), as well as their early childhood years, was the exciting, full, and colorful decade of my 40s.
But that doesn’t mean that there weren’t more “mountains” ahead for me.
Once the boys’ adoption was complete, I went to my school secretary and informed her that I was done with drama. Life from here on out would be much smoother…