It was chilly in my room. The snow was wisping in through three holes in the storm window and landing on the foot of my bed. I lay in bed and listened for the sounds of the radio or the sounds that mom normally was making in the kitchen. All I could hear was silence.My heart started to beat more quickly and I felt panic begin to take over my breathing. I ran barefooted down the stairs and into the kitchen, no mom. I went to the basement and closed my eyes as I ran down the basement steps in case there were centipedes on the wall. No mom doing laundry in the basement. I ran back up the stairs totally freaked out as the tears began to fall.
There was no car in the driveway. No TV on in the living room and no sound coming from the radio. I was crying now and yelling for mom. No response. I opened the back door and ran outside and through the backyard in the snow.
I was sobbing as I ran to “Ma” Buschke’s back door. It was open and as I ran into the house, I saw my mom in the kitchen with Mrs. Buschke. I almost collapsed with the fear exploding inside me. I was so sure that everyone had deserted me. My mom picked me up and held me close and whispered, “Honey, I’m so sorry. I just came to visit Mary for a few minutes. Where are your shoes?”
I was so glad to see mom, that I refused to let go.
This wasn’t the only time I had felt the fear of being abandoned. When ai was in second or third grade, I was walking home from school. When I turned the corner on MacArthur Dr., I spotted our house. The normally white siding was gone and the whole house was black. No cars were in the driveway and no one was outside. Had there been a fire? Where was my family? Why didn’t I see any evidence of anyone at home?
I raced to the house and went in the back door. I was crying big tears by now. I called the phone number mom had given me for her work and prayed hard that someone would answer.
When I heard mom’s voice, I couldn’t control myself anymore. I screamed into the phone. “Mom, what happened to our house and where is everyone?”
She calmly explained to me about new siding being put on the house. She said they had been talking about it for several weeks and felt sure that I had heard the conversations. I guess, I didn’t know exactly what that meant and certainly didn’t realize it would leave a black house for me to come home to.
I’m not sure I thoroughly understand why I find it so easy to feel like everyone has deserted me. I guess I just need to trust in how much everyone cares and the fact that no one wants to leave me. Sounds like a topic for a therapist’s couch!