Damn! I’m funny!!
“Rectum? Damn near killed him!” – “Liquor? I hardly know her!”
These are my two favorite jokes – or rather punch lines to jokes. I don’t know where I first heard either of these or what the actual jokes are, but I find both so funny. I don’t care how often I say them – they always make me chuckle. After years of hearing these over and over, my kids just roll their eyes and tell me I’m not very funny.
I’ve grown up hearing my dad tell jokes and I think it’s hysterical. This is one of the best jokes that I’ve seen or heard him do. The family went to some event in Madison and as we all got onto the elevator. Dad made sure to be the last one to get on. Instead of turning around to face the doors, as everyone usually does, Dad stood facing the group in the elevator. “So – I guess you’re all wondering why I called this meeting” Dad said. My family groaned as the other people on the elevator started laughing. I often think of that event and smile. Dad always has a joke to tell.
Another favorite of mine is when you drive over the rumble strips coming up to a stop sign (in the country). Dad will always ask “Did you know that they are removing those from the roads?” In reply – I would ask “Really? Why?” Dad’s response was “Because too many polish women are getting hit by cars doing their laundry!” LOLOLOL! (Get it? Cause the speed bumps are like an old washing board for clothes!!)
Maybe that’s where I get it from. I also grew up reading The Big Book of Jokes and Riddles and still think the jokes are funny. Some of the dumbest jokes make me laugh. For example: What’s white and if it falls out of a tree will kill you? A refrigerator!! Waa-haa-haa!!
I love to try to make my kids laugh by being goofy or telling silly jokes. They usually end up laughing just because I’m being weird, but they always remind me that I’m not very funny.
I assure them that in my own head, I think I’m hysterical.
I finally looked up the jokes to my two favorite punch lines last night. Here is one joke:
Johnny’s twin brother was hit by a car.
The next day at school, his teacher asked him where his brother was.
Johnny: “He got hit by a car in the ass.”
Teacher: “You mean rectum.”
Johnny: “Wrecked him? Hell, damn near killed him!”