The Secret to Managing Expectations (Without Losing Your Mind)
Many years after I graduated from college, I discovered that my dad had never expected me to finish. Mom told me that he had known several women—strong, smart, and talented women—who talked about going to school but either didn’t finish or traveled down another path entirely after high school.
I was shocked. I had always felt the expectation of college from both my mom and dad. It was so deep and long-standing that the expectation felt like it started inside me. My parents and teachers had always told me that I could be anything when I grew up.
But I knew that meant high school wasn’t the end for me. College was a given. Finishing college was non-negotiable.
Maybe the secret of expectations is to have high expectations for yourself and low expectations for others.
I have more control over myself and my actions than anyone else. I was listening to a podcast the other day where the speaker discussed the young people she manages. She wanted them to “be the adult of their own selves.” She talked about how getting up on time in the morning, making your bed, doing your work, and being responsible are all part of the job of adulting. You need to be your own boss, your own bad-ass parent to yourself.
But putting expectations on others is a trap. You’re really setting yourself up for disappointment. For me, I want people to be able to read my mind. I expect that others (read: my husband) should just know how I feel or what I want. Then there’s my kids. I expect that my habits, systems, and standards should just be “common sense.” Luka should know how to vacuum a room carefully and completely. Kadon should just know how often to call home to touch base with his mom. Aubrey should understand the importance of not leaving clothes lying on her bedroom floor.
I mean, is it really that hard? Oh, wait—it is. Expecting people to behave exactly as I would is like expecting my dog to learn algebra: ambitious but doomed to fail.
So here I sit, a self-proclaimed queen of unmet expectations. I’m learning to trade my frustration for curiosity and my disappointment for grace. Life is a little lighter that way. And who knows, maybe one day I’ll even manage to lower my expectations of others to match my husband’s. He once told me, “I expect people to do what they do. That’s it.”
Honestly, I’m still processing how a man who leaves socks under the couch can offer such profound wisdom.
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