Quirks and Conditions

Relationships come with many quirks and challenges.  I experienced two failed marriages. I entered into each of these relationships with high hopes. I have learned that there were issues that got in the way of our happiness, that we never considered or discussed. Looking back, I realize I was very young and lacked the wisdom to make the best decisions.  

Michael and I had been friends for many years before we started a romantic relationship. We knew each other well and were not interested in entering another troubled marriage. We canceled our wedding date three different times. We just weren’t sure that we were right for each other.  We said that we wanted to feel confident that this would be a forever-after marriage. We called it “Rocking Chair times”.

Since we had reasons to doubt our judgment in the relationship area, we decided to enter into marriage counseling before we finalized our plans. This was one of the best decisions we could have made. 

We knew by now that it’s not always the big things that get in the way of a good relationship. I had a boyfriend that I cared about in High School. One of the last times we were together, he mentioned to me that he hated the way I brushed my teeth. He said my mouth was open, and I was very noisy. I knew in my heart that this was not the relationship for me. It ended shortly after this episode.

We trusted a marriage and family counselor who came highly recommended. We discussed our goals with her and started a series of counseling sessions.

1. It’s OK to forget your past involving other people. The present is important and deserves attention.
2. Be willing to keep communication open. Discuss your feelings without judgment.
3. Listen to each other’s quirks. My dad used to leave the house when he was upset with mom. This habit terrified me and I felt abandoned. Michael and I agreed that we could go to another room and get some space but that we would not leave the house until the issue was cleared.
4. If things got too heated, we agreed that either of us could call for a hug break. For us, it was not possible to stay angry when we were hugging.
5. If one of us was feeling bored, we discussed it and figured out a way to add excitement back into our relationship. 
6. Cheating on each other was not an option. Use that energy to return a spark to our lives.
7. Being truthful was a requirement even if it felt uncomfortable. Lying was not acceptable.
8. Love is a decision. We chose to work on our relationship.
9. Changing the other person is not an option. The only one we can choose to change is ourselves.
10. There are multiple ways to address problems and find solutions. Our way is not always the only way.

These are just a sampling of the issues that we discussed. We used these lessons learned during our 36 years of marriage. No marriage is perfect. We had our speed bumps and disagreements. By having some mutual rules and options, we spent most of our time together happily and harmoniously.

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