It’s been over a month since I’ve talked to my oldest son. Texts, messages, and chats go unanswered. His dad’s birthday has come and gone. Crickets.
Life has rarely been easy parenting Luka. We adopted him from an orphanage in Russia when he was 32 months old. The only thing we knew about his birth mother was that she was a registered alcoholic. He was a loving and sweet boy.
One of his elementary teachers noted about him, that although school was hard for him, he was the most determined and hard-working kid in her class. She was sure that that tenacity would pay off for him in the future. When middle school hit, hit he chose to hang around with “the wrong crowd” and life took a nose dive for our whole family. He got approval from friends then he smashed the glass fire extinguisher on the wall with his head and when he popped a volleyball in phy ed with a sharp pencil.
In High School, he thought he could outsmart the administrators by hiding his vape in the “nut cup” of his baseball briefs. Smoking mind-altering drugs and guzzling alcohol set him up for police visits and near expulsion from school.
Then on his 16th birthday, he met a sweet girl who tried to keep him on the straight and narrow. They’ve been together for 2 1/2 years now and have a son together. Luka got his HS diploma. They lived with us for a while and after a disagreement, they abruptly moved out.
I believe they live with members of his girlfriend’s family. The last time we talked, Luka had worked at the same job for 4 months. I encouraged him to stay steady, keep working hard, and keep in touch… That hasn’t happened.
When they lived with us, we talked a lot! One of the fears I had shared with Luka and his girlfriend was that I was concerned that I would open my heart up to their little baby and they would use that love as a weapon in the future. That is pretty much the way it has gone. I don’t hear from or see my son. I only see public pictures on Facebook of my grandson.
To say that all of this has been hard is an understatement. Perhaps the saving grace has been the training I’ve been engaged in for the past year and a half.
I began my coursework to become a Life Coach in November of 2021. During this process, I have coached so many people about numerous topics…and I’ve also received coaching. The issue I’ve received the most coaching on is my expectations about Luka.
What it pretty much boils down to is that he is now a grown-up, he gets to live his own life. My responsibility for him is over. He gets to be in contact with me if and when he wants.
My job is now to love him and to want the best for him. I support him from afar. I am responsible for my own thoughts. And I choose to be happy when I hear from him and send positive thoughts and prayers for his happiness when there is silence between us. I am available, with an open heart, to listen with compassion. Nothing needs to be fixed or solved.
I can offer patience, understanding, acceptance, hope…