It is hard to focus on just one of my greatest fears. It seems I have several. But to minimize them here is the first one: I am, and have been terrified of being in an auto accident and dying from the result. This has gone on for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I would actually decline going out of town, especially when my husband was driving, as I was terrified of getting killed in an auto accident. I overcame it for a while, but I must say I think being more aware of my mortality at this time, it has come back to haunt me.
Another fear I have is that my family will not live a long, prosperous and happy life. I tend to worry about all of my family members and can’t imagine losing any one of them. They are all so special to me that I don’t know how I would handle it if something terrible should happen to them.
Then there is a fear that is not terrible, but I guess you can say it is a concern. You see when you go into antique stores and see all those old pictures of people. Well, I feel bad that they are like lost soles just sitting in frames and no one has a clue who they are. They were once people with lives, families, careers, and just being. Now, they aren’t even a memory special enough to be with any one of their loved ones. They are sitting on a dusty shelf in an old frame and no one knows or cares who they are. Actually, the frame is what is purchased and not even the picture. I don’t want any of my pictures sitting in an antique shop collecting dust.
I often think how fragile life is. It always amazes me when someone passes away and life just continues around them. I remember when my older sister passed away everyone gathered at the house to, as I saw it, celebrate. Today they call this a celebration of life, but I saw it as a way to forget that she was ever here, but now is gone. It felt like a party celebrating her death. I know, this is what they do today, but it made me feel sad for her. At the time I knew she would have wanted someone to show some sympathy for her passing. I know they did, but it didn’t appear to me that they did at the time. To top it off she had been ill and perhaps there was some relief that she was no longer suffering, but I felt sad that she was not here with us to finish out a wonderful, happy and fulfilling life.
It seems strange to me how you can be burying someone you knew that was special to you, and life just continues to go on. People are still mowing lawns, grocery shopping, whatever is on their agenda for that day.
I know this is, of course, how life goes on, but it still feels strange to me.
I always tease my family that I can’t imagine life without me. I am kidding, but really, I can’t imagine this. Wouldn’t there be a large void that could never be replaced. After all, aren’t we all special and irreplaceable?
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