Am I lazy or just inadequate?? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Both in my personal life and my work life. In my work life, I’ve said for years that I want to get back to my computer programming/development skills. I have all the tools I need to refresh this information in my head, so why don’t I accomplish this? What is holding me back from accomplishing this goal?
One thought is sheer laziness. It will take work and time to get this done and after a full day of working on the computers… do I really want to come home and continue working and studying? Not really. By the time I’m done with work – I’m tired of being on my computer.
Another thought is fear of being inadequate. There are others at my office that are much younger and have been programming all thru school. It’s been so long since I did this kind of work, I feel inferior to them. They know so much more than I do. I worry I’ll look silly because I don’t know as much as them.
When I think of what holds me back in my personal life, I think of this in terms of relationships and personal growth. For example – what holds me back from losing the weight I need to lose? I know I need to do it for my health, but doing it again will take work, effort, follow through. Just thinking about it overwhelms me. I wish someone else could come in and say, “Here is what you will eat” and do all the shopping and cooking for me. That way I could do it with the least amount of effort.
In my relationships, what holds me back is the fear of getting hurt. It’s hard to let people get close because once they do, they are going to hurt me. I hesitate to fully trust anyone because in the end, they will just disappear anyway. I end up projecting my fears onto people before they have a chance to show me who they really are.
All these things seem to relate to a fear of something. Fear of failure, fear of looking inadequate, fear of trusting. Somehow, I need to get past these fears so I can accomplish my goals and allow good things to happen in my work, my relationships, my life.