My alarm clock goes off at 5:00 am. I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water. Stella is asleep after an early breakfast. I leave my fuzzy fleece pj pants on, slip on socks and my tennis shoes. Sports bra goes on over the top of my t-shirt. (When you exercise with no witnesses, it doesn’t matter what you wear.) On go coat, neck gator, balaclava, gloves and mittens. I call Stella…quietly. She stretches and yawns like she is doing me a favor.
I first began walking/jogging in the morning when Stella was a pup. I felt incredibly guilty leaving a baby alone all day. At least if we walked before work, that would get her going, then she would be with her people again in the early afternoon.
Now this routine is so ingrained that if I wake up late, I would rather not brush my teeth than not take Stella for our 1.65miles/day. This daily walk is my sanity. It is equal parts bonding (Stella and I), meditation, body wake-up, and intention setting. On top of this, I log an average of 16,000 steps a day (love my FitBit). I feel like I’m moving from dawn to dusk.
However, you would never tell this from looking at me. In November of 2015, I ran a marathon. I wasn’t skinny…I was comfortable. Two years later and I’ve put on 20 pounds and a few inches here and there. My jeans don’t fit. I only wear leggings or tights…and even some of my tights are too–TIGHT! My downfall getting any serious calorie-burning outside of the scope of that daily morning venture. I’ve tried to do the 7-minute exercise app (3x in the last 3 months), I’ve tried daily planks and core work (once), I’ve tried yoga (I was regular in the summer, not so much when I’m teaching full days). My exercise regime is in the grey zone. Overall ramped up fitness–FAILURE.
“What about your diet?” you may ask. Well, I’m not into sweets. I drink a fruit/veggie smoothie for breakfast every morning for breakfast. Bowl of dinner leftovers and grapefruit for lunch, homemade dinner, an adult beverage, and an occasional bowl of ice cream. Lots of water. I am aware of portion sizes. I hate logging my food intake because so much of what I eat is homemade, not processed with a barcode to scan into a convenient diet app. Arghhhhhh….this is all so tedious!
I’ve always been aware of my weight, my body, my food, how I move and exercise. There has always been a direct correlation between my “good” behavior and how I feel in my own skin. There has never been a time when I could just eat without a care and my thighs would be firm and my energy at FULL. I’m thinking back here to High School.
I had a friend who seemed to be able to eat anything and never gain weight. She loved the vending machines at school and junk food. It was only after I was at her house one day and discovered that she was “purging”…making herself throw up to get rid of the food and the calories that I understood why we were so different. Many times after that, I tried to purge but was never able to. I don’t know if I was eating unpurgable food, if I was waiting too long after eating, or if it was just my technique that was off. I guess I was too embarrassed or….smart to not pursue this avenue.
It seems that my mind and body have had a falling out and are giving each other the silent treatment. I eat well, I move my body. Have I entered second adolescence? Or perhaps a time of change (menopause…duh) where my mind and body are not communicating? I don’t think I’m going to announce any big NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS here. Instead, I’m going to take one step at a time with Stella every morning, get out of bed when it’s still dark and add some mindfulness into my day. Just one day at a time, walking, eating well, body stretching, meditation, intention setting. Let’s see if my body and mind can become friends again…