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Shedding My Inhibitions
In the early years, I was a people pleaser. I didn’t want to create waves. I was the teacher’s pet—the one who followed directions, finished assignments early, and made sure my name stayed in good standing. I didn’t argue. I didn’t question. I did what I was told, because somewhere deep down, I assumed other people knew better.I didn’t trust my own opinions or ideas. It wasn’t that I lacked them—just that I didn’t think they held much weight. My inhibitions were rooted in the belief that someone else’s voice mattered more than mine. So I made choices by looking around and following the lead of others. When my sister Lisa chose a college, I chose the same one. I didn’t tour campuses. I didn’t compare programs. I just figured, she made a good choice. That’ll work for me too.
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La Bamba vs. Inhibitions
As a child, I was socially shy, especially around boys and men. I was the youngest of three girls and had only one male cousin, who made me feel awkward most of the time. In school, I was academically strong but painfully quiet among peers. I thrived on giving book reports and presentations, but often withdrew in everyday social situations.Despite my shyness, I could present myself as confident when a situation called for it. I could mentally disconnect from my discomfort and focus solely on the task at hand. Once the moment passed, I would quietly retreat into myself again.
But there’s a strange contradiction in being shy and still craving connection. I always wanted to connect more, express more, and participate more fully; those internal walls held me back.