The Tangles That Shaped Me
When I was in junior high school, I found myself standing at a quiet crossroads that no one else seemed to notice. On the outside, I was just another kid trying to survive algebra class and navigate the middle school schedule. But inside, I already felt the tug of two very different paths. I seemed to be the daring one of the family, you know, “The Black Sheep”. I always wanted to do the undesired activity to prove that I could and would do what I wanted.
One of them was full of temptations that, at the time, felt thrilling: skipping responsibility, following the wrong crowd, and making choices that gave quick rewards but led nowhere good. It was the kind of path that whispers, “Just this once,” until you look up and realize you’ve drifted far from where you meant to be. I felt that I would, could, and should do anything just once! I found myself telling little white lies to be able to meet up with friends when it was after curfew to smoke and hang out. I was destroying my reputation by participating in smoking, drinking, and not working up to my potential. There was a dairy bar in town that had a bad reputation. Why, I really don’t know by today’s standards, but I was forbidden to hang out there. Well, you might know that was my daily hangout. On my eighteenth birthday, I attended an outside beer party, which I might add was busted by my ex-boyfriend. I think that might have been one of the turning points as to where I wanted to be in my own skin.
The other path wasn’t flashy at all. It didn’t come with praise or instant excitement, but. It did feel somewhat safe and less stressful, as it was the accepted one. It was the path of doing the right thing, even when no one was watching. The path of respecting myself, listening to the people who actually cared about me, and trying, however imperfectly, to become a decent, grounded human being. It required effort and honesty, and it definitely didn’t make you the most popular kid in school. But something in me knew that if I wanted a life I could be proud of, that steady path was the one I needed to follow. I’m sure it was troubling and confusing to the friends I had acquired while daring to be a little out there.
Looking back, I realize that was one of my earliest encounters with what I now call the tangles of life. Those moments when everything inside you knots up, your desires, your fears, your doubts, and you have to gently pull apart the mess to see what you truly want. At thirteen or fourteen, you don’t think in big words like “values” or “character.” You just know when something feels off, when a choice doesn’t sit right, when a small voice inside you says, “This isn’t who you want to be.” You want respect and acceptance.
Choosing the better path didn’t magically fix everything. But that early decision taught me something important, and that felt good. I liked being respected and trusted. I liked that I still had the power to steer myself in the right direction of becoming the person I wanted to be. For me, Junior High was a difficult time, and it seems to be so with others, as you are given more freedom, hormones are moaning, and you don’t know just where you fit in.
So, my motto became “ Make Good Choices”. And respect is a good thing.
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